I looked at my own cervix.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
