Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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