i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Randomize
