What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize