3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
