your room smells of hookers.
And success
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
