new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will pee on everything he values.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
