My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
