after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
