I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize