Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
