god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He uses pillows to masturbate.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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