Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
