he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
