Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
