I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
