I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
