I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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