i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
