his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
