Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
