i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize