I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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