That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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