I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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