Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
