I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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