Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
