life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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