Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
