you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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