Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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