im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
