I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
