i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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