yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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