So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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