Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
