There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
