I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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