What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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