he thought i was a dude.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
