he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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