Just fell off a train. Bad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
