Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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