I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize