Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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