My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
