New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
