Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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