Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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