I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
