There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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