If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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