HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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