dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
