I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
