Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
