she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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