I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
