"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
