So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
