I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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