He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
this boner is exhausting
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
