I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
