my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
