Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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