I need help removing her.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have aggressive nipples.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
