ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
