I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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