Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
