You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
