I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
