Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
