Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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